Wasting time until death

Sometime I get tired of life.

The mind-numbing monotonous daily routines - the efforts that go unappreciated. Or is it just the feeling that I'm wasting time. These past two weeks it seems as though my creativity has left my body. I don’t have the patience to sit at my desk and draw. I don’t have the patience to pick up the camera and take a photo or just think of things I want to be doing. I feel defeated, I feel broken, I feel beaten, and I feel demolished. My brain has given up on me; it has moved on, it doesn’t want to think anymore. I don’t dream anymore and if per chance I do it usually centers around my job, how depressing. Does it get any better? Is there any break in this choking cloud that has surrounded me and is slowly choking my very life, my very existence. Why do I continue each day I know the outcome it’s the same outcome every day. Why do I routinely torture myself? What is money is pride is it defeat? I don’t know anymore what I do know is I’m sick. I’m sick and tired of feeling angry, frustrated and sad. I just want to get off this ride and hitchhike somewhere else. I just want to jump onto a freight train and start over where ever the train will stop. I really want to stop this and try something completely different and maybe just maybe I will find happiness and be excited to get up everyday. Change is coming for me and soon. I am going to pick a date soon and if my life has not changed by that date… I will change my life and quit my job and start new somewhere else. Promise to myself.

mark, Jul 13 2005 10:15AM

should we be worried or notify someone? sounds serious.

paul, Jul 13 2005 11:29AM

This is not a cry for help - it's more of a wake up call for myself. i'm actually anti-suicide so you don't have to worry. i wrote that last night around 12:30am just tired and angry.i just get frustrated and disappointed with how things seem to work out.

Ann, Jul 13 2005 11:39AM

What other cities would you be interested in going to? I think that putting yourself into a new environment is a great way to get out of a rut....lots of new experiences to look forward to...new places to eat, new places to work, new places to hear music, new people to meet, etc... Perhaps you should pick a place you'd like to go to now so that you'll have something positive to focus on.

paul, Jul 13 2005 12:25PM

i actually want to move to Portugal or Spain. this September i'm going to Portugal for a week. i'll be looking for work while i'm there.

sandie, Jul 14 2005 12:02PM

i think we all feel this way at some point -- especially with work. try not to think of your work as an embodiment of yourself. getting away from your current environment is a great idea! and europe is a wonderful place to break free!

guido, Jul 14 2005 8:10PM

soon your prayers will be heard. Down here below the equatorial line we are cooking a major life change project involving adventure, academics and liberation. Wanna join in with ideas on how to make your life worthwile? This invitation is to all gutsy guys by the way. g.

david, Jul 15 2005 10:06AM

Paul- I often feel similar emotions, regardless of life's circumstances. This might sound fruity, but the only thing I've found that changes my perspective is Yoga. Not the calmer, more meditative kind, but the intensive, catharsis-driven practice. Like Iyengar or Prana Power. It's really the finest and most rewarding form of therapy I've experienced. It's worth a try if you haven't done it before. Hang in there!

paul, Jul 17 2005 1:35PM

thanks all for the words of encouragement.

guido - that sound like something i would be interested in. so count me in.

david - that sounds also interesting. i'm going to have to look that up though i'm not familiar with it. is there a good book associated with that type of Yoga? let me know...

David, Jul 19 2005 9:14PM

Paul- Many books about Yoga are available but I recommend that you just jump into a class. If you live in a fairly urban area, you shouldn't have any problems finding a local Yoga studio. I have a home practice and I also attend class on occasion. Taking class is important, particularly when you start, because the teacher will help you correct your poses. The Yoga studio might also provide a sticky matt, which is recommended for the practice. Because numerous forms of Yoga exist, one class will greatly differ from another. I recommend you seek classes in Iyengar, Ashtanga, or Hatha.

You can find a lot of information about Yoga on the internet. This site is pretty good. It has a "pose finder" that gives you an idea of what to expect in a class. As far as videos are concerned, I recommend anything by Rodney Yee.

If you have any specific questions, just shoot me an e-mail