Fear Abated 4X


This is a plan view of how I think the new Charmin Mega Roll differs from a traditional toilet paper roll.

I have to first admit I have never seen this product in person nor am I receiving any compensation for its review. But when I saw an ad for it (disregarding the watercolor animated bears) I knew that our world had shifted very slightly on axis. Here's why I think it might just be brilliance.

It's time for me to come clean; when asked what I am truly and profoundly scared of I lie and say heights. But for my entire life nothing has made me more uncomfortable than coming up a couple sheets short or heaven forbid, finishing and realizing the roll is completely bare. I mean how am I supposed to tell other people in polite conversation that terror comes in the form of a less than perfectly appointed bathroom.

So for years, out of desperation I have relied on a 1,000 sheet solution from Scott. I know our guests politely accept the much less than luxurious accomodations but those 250 sheet comfy rolls run out in no time. And a double comfy roll (which incidentally is the same diameter as trusty old Scott) only has an inadequate 500 sheets which isn't much better.

The barrier to a substantially larger roll of toilet paper has always been the distance from spindle to wall (aka throat). In commercial applications, the 2,000 sheet roll has to be turned perpendicular to the wall to accomodate its deep throat. Looks like the thinner paper jumbo-roll is the best engineering can manage.

That's what I thought until I found out that Charmin engineers had blown the sheets per roll equation wide open with an ingenious gizmo: the spindle extender. Instead of being perpendicularly bound by the end of the toilet paper holder, a spindle adapter travels parallel to the dispenser side arms for an inch past their termination and makes a right angle turn where it meets up with the other side. They've figured out a way to create a deeper throat (for an absolutely awful demonstration see this) without modifying every bathroom in the world.

Now without proper field trials I do remain a bit skeptical but the math and theory seem good. Perhaps the next rainy weekend I will find myself in a grocery store and a test drive might make sense. If all goes well, word will spread and maybe more guests will make their way to Queens.

Sampson, Apr 12 2005 9:18AM

Three cheers for your ass.

Mark Sanders, Apr 12 2005 12:52PM

On a related note, check out the Product Usage Calculator provided by Kimberly-Clark. Useful and hillarious.