Six years years ago I woke at 5:30AM on Thanksgiving Day. A bus and train ride later we had secured a spot to watch the annual Macy's parade in New York — 2.5 hours before it began. Untold thousands of other showed up during the time waited steadily pushing us back from our original spot. By the time the parade began, all we could see were the balloons floating above the heads of the crowd. We decided that the best view was on television in our living room. Until this year...

I never considered myself susceptible to seasonal affect disorder. Normally the months switch, the weather changes and the days expand or contract with little more impact than an increase in my allergies. But for some reason this year has been different.

Move over Björk (of the Sugarcubes variety) and Kazu Makino (of the early Blonde Redhead variety). There's a new wailer in town and she means some mighty business. Meet Giovanna Cacciola and she's from Sicily. (Come to think of it why are all the good screechers from oversees?)

A wine tasting took place at my home in Queens recently. Eleven tasters unscientifically sampled and rated five bottles of Sauvignon Blanc over brunch. Also known as Pouilly-Fume, Sancerre and Fume Blanc, a lower alcohol helps soften a hangover and presents a more refreshing taste at a generally less expensive cost. After years of sagging popularity, Sauvignon Blanc is experiencing a renaissance in consumption and vintners who produce it. Following are the results listed from most preferred (top of list) to least (bottom of list).

On the release day of the major motion picture World Trade Center by Oliver Stone, I can confidently say I will never see it. I'm even going so far as to avoid watching the movie's trailer and any of its television advertising. The only in-depth information about this movie that I have experienced are a handful of reviews that I read in preparation for this article. Why have I gone to such lengths?

About a year ago my wife and I were enjoying an impromptu picnic of deli sandwiches while watching the evening walkers stroll by in Central Park. Nothing particularly spectacular passed by our bench as we quietly consumed our dinner and enjoyed the mild weather. Every so often a dog would give us a curious glance to see if there was any chance of getting a treat. As veterans of urban picnicking we knew this was all part of the ritual. That is until a canine, of a breed I don't remember, took a dump one foot from my shoe.

Ok. I'll admit it. I am a Food Network junkie (which is probably not a surprise to a lot of people). I can tell you the names of all their chefs (past and present) and when their respective cooking shows are on. Even some of my weekly rituals are shaped by their programming schedule. However, I am discouraged that change is afoot at the network. And what bothers me most is not the new programs, but how their old cooks are "reinventing" themselves. Case in point: Paula Deen.

hi-speed connection recommended. quicktime is required.

Last Haircut: 7.5 weeks ago
Day of Week: Monday
Time of Day: Lunch
Salon Bustle: Very Low
Stylist Demeanor: Calm, distracted
Physical Contact: Moderate (neck/ear blowing)
Quotes from Stylist: "My breath is stinky; let me get a Coke." "Those potatoes are arguing with my stomach." "You don't have to get the same haircut."
Tip: $5.00

I'm not ashamed to admit it; I don't like the music of Kenny Rogers. And his latest return to popular country music is so sentimental, dated and hokey that the single "I Can't Unlove You" sounds like a parody before it even finishes. Not to mention the obvious comparisons to the often humored "I wish I could quit you..." phrase from that movie from last year.

Last Haircut: 9 weeks ago
Day of Week: Friday
Time of Day: Dinner
Salon Bustle: Moderate
Stylist Demeanor: Calm, bored
Physical Contact: Moderate (neck blowing)
Quotes from Stylist: "It itches." "The hair gets in my shirt" " It used to be a rose. Now it's faded" "I dried out my rose at the beach."
Tip: $5.00

I have known since last Friday that part (if not all) of this week was going to be occupied by jury duty. This being the fifth time I've been called during my life, I knew careful consideration needed to be given to how I was going to fill the long periods of waiting that this type of service entails. Here is my to-do list which was compiled before and then adjusted during the experience.

I get a lot of junk mail. Every day I open and then promptly throw out four to six envelopes worth of mail. Today I thought I would try to get something more out of this disposable communication than my regular complaining and paper cuts. And so I proudly present a Mad-Lib based on one of the offers for your hopeful entertainment.

I am not a proponent of gratuitous email forwarding or link broadcasting. But I have found two online items that have given me a chuckle for the last couple of weeks. The first is probably only funny if you have a little specific knowledge of the two people involved. It is entitled A Selection from George W. Bush's Eavesdropping Tapes: Matthew Barney and Björk Place an IKEA Phone Order and is courtesy of Chris McCoy and McSweeney's. The second is the aptly titled SuperSizedMeals.com which requires little knowledge of anything.

I'll admit it: I watched Fox's new reality show Skating with Celebrities. And I have been looking forward to its debut. Never a huge fan of figure skating, I was enticed less by the potential for surprising grace from decidedly ungraceful people than by the real chance of injury and dismemberment.

Last Haircut: 9 weeks ago
Day of Week: Friday
Time of Day: Late Afternoon
Salon Bustle: Extreme
Stylist Demeanor: Exhausted, preoccupied
Physical Contact: Low (aggressive hair pulling)
Quotes from Stylist: "Does that burn?" "Everyone is sick." "I don't have anyone new for the rest of the day which means I won't have to talk anymore."
Tip: $5.00

*actual haircut took place a week ago.

Twice in the last month my wife and I have arrived at our front door to the unmistakable smell of a skunk. To most people this would probably not be all that remarkable except we live in the heart of Queens in New York City. So the question that has kept nagging us is "Could a skunk (or other forest-inhabiting animal for that matter) really live and thrive in a metropolitan area that is miles removed from any forest?"

Marshmallow and Yam won't be the centerpiece of a Thanksgiving spread this year. The two 35 pound turkeys from Henning, Minnesota were granted Presidential pardons as part of the 50-year annual tradition. Usually no more than a soft and cuddly photo oppotunity for the leader of the free world, this year's act of mercy marked one welcomed break from the script.

I stand at the end of my street when a passenger jet screams by overhead. In a steep bank and at too low an altitude, the plane looks to be desperately trying to reach the end of the runway nearest my house. I cover my ears to prepare for certain impact. And with a gentle but swift motion the airplane's left wing tip makes contact with the ground before the rest of the fuselage crumples on top of it. In a much shorter distance than I than I expect the jet comes to a rest leaning against a tree. There is some smoke that turns into fire but otherwise little commotion. So I wait . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Last Haircut: 8 weeks ago
Day of Week: Friday
Time of Day: Noon
Salon Bustle: Moderate
Stylist Demeanor: Cordial, warm, flirty
Physical Contact: High (shoulder and arm grabs; neck blowing.)
Quotes from Stylist: "You are my nicest customer. All my others bitch." "You don't have to celebrate; just gamble." "That's why I don't wear it everyday. People don't notice when it's gone." "I don't want your wife to think I clawed you."
Tip: $5.00

Just as the National Hurricane Center has run out names for storms this year, it seems the media is also having trouble describing the unprecedented magnitude and size of this season's hurricanes. With each new uber-storm the same label hits the headlines: MONSTER. That got me thinking – is this truly the best term to describe the ferocity and wrath of global-warming angered storms, or just like their differing names, should each storm get its own cataclysmic noun?

I am very critical when critiquing photography. And new digital techniques generally are met with my sour disapproval. However, I've just seen something quite remarkable on the photo-sharing website Flickr. Under the tag "camera toss" there is an entire portfolio of images made by (presumably) throwing a digital camera into the air with the shutter held open.

I like rap. And there are a lot of reasons why I do. But I don't like it to be overly sexual or degrading or violent. However, I sure enjoy an inventive drop of the 'f-bomb' or one of its dirty cousins. Perhaps my favorite type of lyric is that of one of rap's essential elements: the boast. Whether it is lifting the MC or dropping the haters, a good line can put people in their place. I've assembled a small list of some notable examples from the bombastic, to the metaphorial, to the bizarre. What are some of your favorites?

I'm a creature of habit. Things that stay the same are comforting (albeit not particularly memorable) to me. So each and every weekend my morning deliberately unfolds like clockwork. The glue for this is the Food Network.

I turned on my televison this morning and saw Joan Rivers swinging a hammer. Her face looked like it was made of nothing more than putty and bronzer or a stylist had taken an eraser and removed all the details. She was wearing a a blazer, cropped and salmon-colored, black satin pants and showing Cynthia Nixon the proper hammering technique. And I thought to myself, is this what helping others has become?

pic•a•yune (pik-ah-yoon) adj. 1. Of little value or importance; paltry. 2. Petty; mean. n. 1. A Spanish-American half-real piece formerly used in parts of the southern United States. 2. A five-cent piece. 3. Something of very little value; a trifle.

This question was posed to me years ago: when starting a new job, what three items should you bring? Keenly aware that first impressions last a potential lifetime, this is how I answered.

The International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) has a problem. Not all of the nations in the world are happy with their primary identifier, the red cross. Although this is not the first time the symbol has come under fire (a red crescent was added as an acceptable symbol in the Nineteenth Century during the war between Russia and Turkey), a new search is on for a truly benign, unconnotative and neutral symbol with which to represent the organization in countries who are not comfortable displaying a cross or crescent.

Last Haircut: 5 weeks ago
Day of Week: Tuesday
Time of Day: Dinner
Salon Bustle: Moderate
Stylist Demeanor: Cordial, playful
Physical Contact: Moderate (vigorous head rubbing while styling hair)
Quotes from Stylist: "He knows I'm working; why's he calling?" "You are getting shorter each time, no?" "I wish all my clients were as easy as you." "You are easy."
Tip: $5.00

A wine tasting took place at my home in Queens yesterday. Eight tasters unscientifically sampled and rated five bottles of rosé over brunch. Made from a red grape that has its skin removed before pressing, rosés are neither cloyingly sweet or rock-gut cheap like their visual cousins the blush or the white zinfandel. Dry and bright, this variety is best served slightly chilled and pairs very well with summer fare. Following are the results listed from most preferred (top of list) to least (bottom of list).

I'll admit it, I recommended the restaurant. But in fairness I did describe it as a basement that used garbage bags instead of table cloths. My memory, however, of the quality and taste of food had been obviously clouded by too many Tsingtaos.

Like most people, an awful lot of junk mail finds its way into my mailbox. Each day I shred the credit card offers, recycle the catalogs, toss the internet access disks and tear up the magazine subscription offers that I have come so accustomed to receiving. But last week a new offer arrived in the familiar pre-sorted package that made me wonder if I had crossed another threshold in life.

This is not a beach in New York City.

It seems while we have all been living our lives someone has come up with a new way of explaining how everything came into being. It is all the rage in certain groups and even the President wants all of America's children to know about it. How and when did this happen?

A few weeks back, I returned to our Queens apartment with my wife and visiting Mom to discover that an anonymous critter had dug out the middle impatiens from our modest window box. As we replanted what we could my Mom suggested, "Put a plastic fork in there to keep the squirrels from digging." Well, you can see how well that has worked. But this was hardly the first time my Mom had ventured into battle with these nut hiding, birdfeeder pillaging fiends.

Last Haircut: 7 weeks ago
Day of Week: Monday
Time of Day: Lunch
Salon Bustle: Low
Stylist Demeanor: Defeated
Physical Contact: Low (appropriate for service rendered)
Quotes from Stylist: "Do my fingers feel warmer now?" "I'm sorry, I must drink some coffee." "Don't use too much air freshener."
Tip: $5.00

It takes a lot more work these days to get anything for free. From mail-in rebates, to buy-one-get-one schemes, to placing oneself in the just right place at just the right time, it's ever harder to get something for nothing. Which brings me to this question: what is the greatest length you have gone to get an item or service for free?

To start, this is how far I am willing to go for a freebie and alternately just how little it can take.

1 - Number of weddings I attended.

I am no gossip columnist. In fact I don't have any of the required skills: I'm not really all that interested in searching deeper into a famous person's private life and I have no patience for famous fashion or relationships. That said, it really takes a coordinated and omnipresent media campaign for me to take any note.

Dearest readers of GUTSY,

I have a confession of sorts to make. A tremendous burden has been handed down to me from my father (and I am sure his father et cetera). Each and every day I am forced to confront potential public embarrassment because of this weight on my shoulders. You see, I have inherited the genetic condition knowns as Zippasdown. What are the symptoms? A chronic and persistent unzipped pants fly.

You never forget the first time you see someone burying something in your backyard with a spoon. I don't care whether you live in a house, apartment, motel or whatever seeing someone digging behind your home feels a little awkward. Here is my first experience.

It's Friday and I just learned something new. With summer in the air and the weekend just teasing me from the horizon, this knowledge could prove useful or at very least recreational. You see, there is a type of bicycle out there that I never knew existed.

Last Haircut: 8 weeks ago
Day of Week: Tuesday
Time of Day: Supper
Salon Bustle: Very Low
Stylist Demeanor: Punchy
Physical Contact: Moderate (neck blowing)
Quotes from Stylist: "Would married man like the same?" "Do you think you look beautiful?"
Tip: $5.00

Although I've never been a cashier, I have always thought it would be fun to criticize the odd assemblage of goods each person purchases. I imagine sometimes you would find the makings of a meal or a party, but other times the basket full of purchases would appear more disconnected or even sinister. Often I don't pay too much attention to the person in front of me, but occasionally some break in checkout routine catches my eye.

World seen through boxer shorts that I thought had reached the end of their life.

Every morning I swap the contents of my pockets from yesterday's pair of pants to today's. A wallet, keys, coins, cash and receipts are all normal items that get the switcheroo. This past Saturday morning while my in-laws were in town visiting, I also found 3 golf balls.

All homes come with a quirk that takes a little getting used to. A noisy refrigerator, an amorous neighbor, an overhead flight path, a door that never seems to stay closed are all little annoyances that over time become part of routine and may even be missed when staying elsewhere. Only visiting friends and family point out what used to be obvious but are no longer a conscious part of being home.

A trip to the beach on New Year's Day with his wife and kids convinces Emmett to wake early each morning and think. In the dark, he prepares a pot of coffee, starts and stokes a fire and tells about the now, the recent and the distant past. Thus is the premise and content of Nicholson Baker's A Box of Matches.

I once was a skinny, pale and shy boy living in Mississippi who walked a little funny (or so they said). And for some reason I have always been a magnet for nicknames. Perhaps a single name (and a generic name at that) just isn't enough to communicate the depth and complexity of who I really am. Or maybe I'm just funny looking and easy to poke fun at. Either way, folks have branded me Ghost, Stick, Shithead, Brick, Sandman, Sanders, Marky, the Spark and many others. Some have stuck, some have been replaced and some have hurt my feelings but I can't deny the impact they have had on how I approach the names of others.

This is a plan view of how I think the new Charmin Mega Roll differs from a traditional toilet paper roll.

Last Haircut: 8 weeks ago
Day of Week: Friday
Time of Day: Lunch
Salon Bustle: Moderate
Stylist Demeanor: Indifferent
Physical Contact: Low to Very Low
Stylist Quotes: "Go ahead. Do it." "They've stopped since I started taking medicine."
Tip: $5.00

The warmer weather signals more than the daffodils around these parts. After a too long winter alternating between nut-shrinking cold (outdoors) and hallucination inducing heat (indoors), thoughts immediately turned to dining al fresco. In my neighborhood that brings to mind one very obvious watering hole and the scene of gastro-intestinal horror distress that my wife and I only dare repeat twice a year max.

I've never been much of a prankster when it comes to April 1. But I have been on the receiving side a couple of times. Although as I think back only one such incident comes to mind: the break-up.

hi-speed connection recommended. quicktime is required.